Real electrolyte drinks taste like armpit sweat

I hate red Gatorade. This is because when I was a kid, whenever I’d get a stomach virus, my mother would make me drink Gatorade to make sure I didn’t get dehydrated. It was usually the red kind. To this day, I think artificial fruit punch flavor tastes like vomit.

But Red Gatorade has nothing on the taste of real electrolyte drinks. Gatorade, ever since it was bought out by… Coca Cola I think, has been primarily a drink marketed to kids who have delusions of athleticism, and their parents. Originally, it tasted like armpit sweat. But when it got bought out, they added a whole truckload of corn syrup and flavorings to make it taste good. Because nobody but dedicated actual athletes, and perhaps hospitals, was going to buy that stuff otherwise. That’s a pretty small market.

So what I’m drinking now is not Gatorade. I have two versions: a powdered version to add to a litre of water, and a liquid version that claims to be chamomile flavored. The powdered version tastes like straight-up armpit sweat. The liquid version tastes like vaguely herbal armpit sweat, and is actually worse, if that is possible.

So I was extremely excited to try out my new blender today.  I am forbidden solid foods until at least tomorrow (if all goes well, and I have no further episodes of vomiting or diarrhea), but the doctora did send me away with two recipes of sorts, for things I can put in the blender and drink, one sip every few minutes.

This morning I tried out the first: a blend of banana, fresh-squeezed orange juice (I was feeling so puny I had to make my husband sqeeze the oranges), a pinch of salt, and a litre of water. With that much water it’s not a smoothie or anything, but it’s a tremendous improvement over chamomile armpit sweat.

On the stove now, I’ve got some toasted rice and carrot, boiled to mushy with a pinch of salt, cooling so I can then put them in the blender with a litre of water and drink them in slow, slow, deeply unsatisfying sips. The really tough part is that after four straight days of digestive purging, I am ravenously hungry. But since these concoctions are all carbs and water…  if I chugged them down the way I really want to, I’d not only risk triggering further gastrointestinal spasms, I’d spike my blood sugar in a very bad way.  And it’s not like I can go for a long walk to get it under control– after five or six blocks to the farmacia this morning (to weigh myself, as we don’t have a scale), I had to sit down and rest until the dizziness passed.

So on the one hand, I am super-excited to be able to try my watery rice-and-carrot blender drink this afternoon. And that’s kind of sad. And on the other hand, I need to keep a tight lid on that excitement so I don’t drink it too fast. And that is downright pathetic. I now see a distinct advantage to electrolyte drinks that taste like armpit sweat.