Alimentary Woes

A couple of months ago, I opened up a Wal-Mart brand pee test, put it in a cup of urine, and got a positive result. My period wasn’t even due yet. I tested because I was constipated. I am never constipated. It’s just not something that happens to me, ever. Some people think they might be pregnant because they feel little twinges, or get weird spotting, or feel pukey. Not me. I was constipated, for the first time in years. I had no idea that was just the opening salvo.

Apparently, pregnancy hormones make my entire digestive tract completely cease to function. For an entire month I was nauseous. And constipated.  And the reflux– that’s extremely irritating.  The nausea finally went away, but now… I can’t poop without help. I know you wanted to know that. Never before have I dedicated so much thought to my digestion. But after two straight days with no sign of a bowel movement (beyond the constant gas emission– also a new problem) things start getting really, really uncomfortable. That early pregnancy belly pooch? That’s not my baby. That’s everything I’ve eaten in the last three days. If you put your hand on my belly you might feel movement: it’s the gas.

Basically, though, if I left my guts to their own devices,  I would gradually fill up with crap until I exploded. So every third evening, after hoping vainly for a bowel movement, I double up my dose of magnesium and spend the next morning in painful intestinal spasms. At least it works.

Meanwhile, I can’t eat within three hours of bedtime, or my esophagus rebels and I have to swallow that last bite of dinner ten or fifteen times.

I had seen mentions of “constipation” before on those cute lists of pregnancy symptoms. It never says “your digestive tract will become an inert bag with no lower outlet, and you’ll need your bowels mechanically cleaned out.” I feel this is withholding information dishonestly. People might reconsider the whole pregnancy thing if they knew the truth.